first it was the news that
the guy from The Prodigy
and just as you were wondering if all
those people filling the timelines with
much-loves and R.I.P.s and look-after-yourselves
would have posted about The Prodigy
on that day if he had not died
it was suddenly in – news to hand – that
‘Dylan’ from Beverly Hills 90210 was
people toasted him too. Luke Perry.
They mentioned Riverdale as well.
but no one called out about the bull-riding
that was his best thing. It showed up that he was
a thoroughly fucking mediocre actor. Get the job
done, just and not much more.
and here you were thinking that suddenly there’d
be no more fires getting started, more importantly
there’d be no more bitches getting smacked up – because
that’s really an ugly sight (and a stupid-shit song)
but none of that mattered today. There were call-outs
to give, shout-outs to make. Stay safe. And look after
yourself. And take care. And make the most of it. And
be kind. (Rewind – and tape over – those times when
you never cared about Dylan and The Firestarter). This is
about now. And now you all care. And: so there.
guy at the desk over from you leans across, says, rule
of three – who’s going to be next?
well it turns out it’s King Kong Bundy. The wrestler that
Bobby ‘The Brain’ Heenan called Shmoo.
Bundy – weird amalgam of the big ape and the serial
killer, no really – was born Christopher Alan Pallies.
he squashed some dude in the
ring in the first Wrestlemania
he fought Hulk Hogan in a cage match
at Wrestlemania 2. He lost. But it was
a launching pad.
he’d done the work – up to that point
and bigger things were to come.
or maybe they weren’t.
but I reckon King Kong Bundy
did as much good work – maybe
more – than fucking Dylan and bloody
Flint was, ahem, the firestarter – as
if there’s any other way – and Dylan
snagged Brenda, which is a bit
like being handed a bag
of deadly snakes instead of the
nice steak you thought you had
but King Kong Bundy
squashed a dude in the ring
in a few seconds.
fought Hogan. And many more.
and had a cameo on
the TV show
because they named Al and Peg and
Kelly and Bud after the wrestler
who took his in-ring name
from a mass murderer.
they say wrestling’s fake.
well that’s more real to me
than Luke Perry or the
dude from The Prodigy.
but it’s time to celebrate
the 90s. And to commiserate
over what once seemed cool.
rule of three came in late
and what are the odds.
would you have picked
The Prodigy, King Kong
Bundy and Dylan from 90210
if asked to choose three dated,
pop-culture references for
some madlib, mash-up
fuck no. No one
but today two of
the three of them
got their column
a bunch of people
reduced them right
down to footnotes, photos
and desperate ‘personal
“I was, er, 15 and I had
just masturbated to Kelly
from 90210 but Dylan
walked in right on
so I put on The Prodigy’s
Smack My Bitch Up
and punched a photo of
or, you know, something
they’re dead now.
all is forgiven.
King Kong Bundy, though
he was a fat shit. Expect
him to get no more
mentions than what he got
his life must have been stupid
since he is ugly and wrestling
it’s nowhere near as real as
melodrama for teens and
singing violent fantasies
back when life was a whole
lot easier and you could just
like what you liked.