Poem: This Poem Will Make You Want A Quarterpack With A Snack Burger On The Side   

If you want a lesson in  
how to survive Cancel Culture 
just take a look at KFC. 
 
They wanted the word ‘Fried’ removed 
because Kentucky Fried Chicken suddenly 
didn’t sound so good, 
 
no problem! Just call it KFC. 
 
Everyone knew it was still fried chicken. That’s 
why you go there!  
 
People called it “K-Fried” for short and all sorts of 
other names. 
 
Its slogan was “Finger Lickin’ Good!” 
 
When I was at school there was the joke about the 
worker that got caught tugging off in the coleslaw, so 
we all thought it rather funny to line up and make an order 
and when they asked if that was all – you’d add at the end: 
“Oh yeah, can you jack me up some coleslaw too please…” 
 
My dad has always referred to KFC as “Kentucky Fried Dog”. 
 
Not because he thinks they’re using dog in place of chicken, but 
rather (I think) he believes that using dog as a substitute might 
be better – that it’s foul (pardon the pun) and a better thing, if  
anything, to fry up deep would be a dog. 
 
But that’s my dad. 
 
And this is about KFC. And about surviving Cancel Culture. 
 
Harland Sanders, a phony colonel, invented KFC. He fried chicken 
in a pressure cooker and his secret combination of herbs and spices 
might well include the tears and sweat of the slaves he kept, for all we know. 
 
KFC stores get closed down and moved around – but then they pop 
back up. Just like popcorn chicken. 
 
You can’t cancel KFC because people love fried chicken. 
 
People love stuff that is bad for them. And fried chicken has – recently – made 
one hell of a comeback. 
Now it is cool. If it wasn’t always cool. And so KFC  
now has competition – and is back to being a worthy 
brand. If you like fried chicken – which is a bit like 
asking someone if they like bacon – then KFC can  
once again be the place for you. 
 
There’s a new KFC in town – Colonel Harland Sanders has his 
name scrawled along the outside of the door. His giant beaming, 
smug face painted on the wall inside to greet you. 
 
He looks like the king of the white supremacists  
 
The optics are fucked, yo! 
 
Slave-labour propelling the profits.  
 
But nothing will stop KFC. The people will get their fried chicken! 
 
Racist ads, workers scalded with boiling hot gravy, an urban myth of 
a dude whacking off in the coleslaw – which only seemed to exist to further 
drive people to buy the product. 
 
KFC is a monster. Killer brand.  
 
Arteries will be blocked before the right to enter this fast food establishment 
will ever be questioned. 
 
Harland Sanders’ image standing there proud, filling up the backdrop, 
like some plantation owning, a whip-cracking slave-driver. 
 
In 2019 there’s a brand new KFC in the middle of Wellington, 
this symbol of white western capitalism.  
They helped put the con in convenience. 
 
And there’s a bouncer outside. Yes, a doorman, a bouncer. 
To check you are good enough to enter. Well behaved and 
well intentioned. Not drunk (one of the requirements of craving 
friend chicken). And not there to cause trouble.  
 
Col. Harland Sanders is smiling. 
 
KFC cannot be cancelled.  
 
It’s a mystery to me. One of the secrets of the 
universe. Like those 11 herbs and spices that aren’t 
even patented.  
 
You’ll never kill KFC. It cannot be cancelled. 
Eat enough and it will cancel you.  
Then they might make a tax-deductible charity-donation 
to some heart-monitoring clinic.  
 
Before opening a new store in some 
old town, one of the many and any 
that once (or twice) tried to cancel 
KFC.
 
It cannot be done.  
KFC is killing it. It is  
Cancel-Culture resistant. 
 
And the rest is just gravy.